Preparing for the Holidays

Throughout the year, Jewish families gather to celebrate good and bad times, miracles of our past and hopes for our future, as individuals, families and a community. Many Jewish celebrations are marked with shared rituals and traditions. It is during these ceremonies and family gatherings that individuals and couples without children often feel an additional stress of not having children and not meeting the mitzvah to "be fruitful and multiply".

In addition, secular holidays throughout the year, including New Year’s Eve, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Grandparent’s Day and Thanksgiving can, once again, stir the feelings for children so desperately wanted and who are not present.

You will weather the holidays best if you plan ahead. Consider all invitations carefully. You do not have to accept all of them. Do you have an option not to attend? Can you stay for part of the celebration only? Can you help design the celebration to avoid feeling emotionally upset? If being around children brings you to tears, try to avoid child-centered activities. If parents do not understand your need to pull back, explain to them it is too painful right now to be in a room of kids or at a celebration so focused on children and families. You can plan to see them separately later, with or without their children.

Think of what questions you may be asked and role-play answers to questions you would expect to hear from family and friends. Don’t be afraid to say, "I’d rather not discuss that right now". Real friends and family will understand.

What will you do if your emotions get out of hand? Having a pre-selected and prepared ally can make a difficult situation bearable. Ask a spouse, friend or family member to help divert conversations if they get emotionally uncomfortable for you. If you usually stay with family or friends during the holidays, this year stay in a hotel or choose wisely. Tell them it’s not personal, you just need a place to decompress at the end of the day.

Being with family can often stir up experiences from your childhood or feelings of disappointing yourself, your parents or grandparents. Allow yourself time and space for not being where you want to be in your life or not as far along in your family building plans as you had hoped.

Think about joining a group, even if for the short run, to get through a specific family event or holiday. Sharing experience with others who feel as you do can be very helpful.